“Fate inflicts deep wounds, but often healable ones. Wounds that the heart inflicts on the heart, the heart inflicts on itself, are incurable. “*
A good friend of mine quit her job a few months ago. Although she had spoken to her manager several times beforehand, this decision probably came as a great surprise to him. Which is understandable per se, somehow you would think that (good) employees would stay forever. However, the reaction to the dismissal was unfortunately a painful experience for my friend: her manager shared his disappointment with her colleagues (and only took his perspective into account), he no longer invited her to appointments (without sharing the decision with her) and, in her penultimate week, he manually removed her from the team mailing list and did not invite her to a team event. My friend told me about this in tears. At first, she tried to classify this behavior. At some point, she even blamed herself. And she plucked up the courage to speak to her line manager about it. She wasn't angry or upset. What overwhelmed her was the deep pain she felt as a result of this behavior. She used the following metaphor for the pain she felt: “I feel as if I've been hit by a car”. The consequences of this emotional pain actually manifested themselves physically in her body very quickly.
Psychological pain (also known as “social pain”) cannot be seen. Psychological pain is, even more than physical pain, extremely subjective. Mental pain creeps in and expresses itself in a destructive and limiting way. And most people don't talk about it. Neuroscience proves that this type of pain starts in the same places in the brain (anterior cingulate cortex and right ventral prefrontal cortex) as physical pain: mental pain is processed by the brain in the same way as physical pain. Psychologists have long been aware of the importance of social bonds for human survival and assume that humans have a fundamental “need for belonging” or social connection with others. More recent models have attempted to develop this idea further by showing that a lack of social connection can be felt “painfully” like other basic needs.**
People who experience social pain suffer, they are unable to think rationally, they can become ill more quickly and they often develop anxiety. This leads to a toxic workplace and a conflictual society.
So what does this mean for us, for our personal and private relationships? When in doubt, we should always choose the friendly option. If, for whatever reason, friends or colleagues cannot be involved, then it helps to talk about it and explain the decision. Transparency and openness are sustainable, manipulative and underhanded behavior is not. Sometimes a smile is enough, if it can be more, then an interested inquiry about well-being is also welcome. Generosity and altruism are not only good for our fellow human beings, they are also proven resources for strengthening our own resilience.
*J.W. Goethe, Stella (1775)
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